Wednesday November 9th 4.15am 2005.
Up on the hillside overlooking the Abbey, it is well before the dawn. Here I sit under the stars for a blissful two hours. In the church the monks have already began to sing to God. Gazing in to the sky the dark begins to turn into grey and the grey into light. Under this Star-Spangled Banner it is not hard to behold Him from whom all life proceeds, and to behold the glittering prize of friendship He holds out to me with an abundant smile.
Anthony De Mello teaches that if a man looks at a tree and sees a tree all he has seen is a label. If however he looks at a tree and sees a miracle, then he has seen the tree. It is true that the unaware life is not worth living... my problem is that I too often forget God, or simply place so little value on His presence. Life then ceases to be a miracle... When I look at trees or people all I usually see is a label. Very convenient, very neat!
As a kid I hated the dark, but today I feel perfectly safe, completely at home with all that is, at home under the stars. Wide open skies that herald the dawn. Is that star winking at me as I slowly catch a glimpse of the way things really are? The night is no longer my enemy. Peace at last.
4.50pm.
In the church the monks will soon gather for 'Vespers' ('Evening Star'), their sixth office of the day, as for me, this hillside has become my cathedral and the skies are chanting His praise. Their language is seldom heard, but here in the silence, I can hear the skies.
I believe in God.
I believe all of life has meaning.
I believe the only sensible way to live is to live for God, what else is there? No, really.
I have not spoken to any one at length for many hours. The mystics are right: silence keeps the souls fire burning. In our casual use of many words we are often left restless, weary and confused. My unseen Friend up on this hillside beside me is always still and never restless. He is His Fathers Son and He knows it. The Father is His secret and here The Father becomes our secret. It is well with my soul. In silence I am given back to myself and back to God to start again, everything is given back to itself, for itself.
It is not hard today to feel the presence of God behind everything that I see. If all of life could be lived this way there would be no end to the joy that could be felt. I believe that ultimately joy and not sorrow is at the heart of the universe. This is a 'God-bathed world' and we are never alone. For my part I am to live in a holy freedom and familiarity with God continually, at least that is my wish. There is great joy in accepting reality as He knows it, all else is an illusion. Anything that does not exist in the mind of God has no life to it, He never gave it a name and neither should we. A life lived by fear is never real. "When will my people wake up to the fact that my love is real!?"
From the church the bells ring across the hills and valleys. "Bells are meant to remind us that God alone is good, that we belong to Him, that we are not living for this world. They break in upon our cares in order to remind us that all things pass away and that our preoccupations are not important. They speak to us of our freedom, which responsibilities and transient cares make us forget. They are the voice of our alliance with the God of heaven. They tell us we are His true temple. They call us to peace with Him, within ourselves.' (Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude). Well said! Thomas Merton, or 'Father Louis' as he was known here, loved this place. Here he lived within what he called his 'four walls of freedom'. He is everywhere here. Merton certainly knew something. He knew the power of words when they come out of stillness and solitude. For my part I know the powerlessness of words when they come from a place of restlessness. The result of course is to cause more confusion and weariness than before. God it seems to me always speaks out of His stillness and so His words are always creative and healing, revealing light and truth.
Thursday November 10th/ Friday November 11th.
Up much later today, although I still got to see the sunrise. Bono worships God at sunrise, I can see why.
When asked if he ever took drugs, Merton replied that he didn't have to because the birds turned him on. Amen to that! Today I feel like the richest man on earth. I wonder how long it will last.
What a prophetic witness these monks are to the world. They know more about world events than I do but they don't fuss, instead they sing psalms to God, seven times a day. Br. Anton the Guestmaster here says that for him the Psalms are like running water, they are therapy for the soul. Like a mirror they continually reflect our life’s story, they cover every human condition and always keep up with you. Some people want to explain the Psalms while others are content to let the Psalms explain them. The brother encouraged us to 'open the scrapbook of our life and look for God's thumbprint.'
These days it seems most men live lives of noisy desperation. Pascal used to say that the root cause of all the evils in the world is mans inability to sit still in a room. Compare this to the wisdom of the desert that teaches us to 'sit silently in your cell and it will teach you everything'.
A retreat is meant to change the way we operate. There is much in me that needs to change. Why make a retreat? Well again Merton got it: 'To entertain silence in the heart, to listen for the voice of God and to pray for your own discovery.'
Brennan manning writes that when we live our lives constantly in the midst of others the consciousness of our belovedness fades. We simply forget who we are. Well, if a man like me has to spend a week in silence to get it back, so be it. It is a sweet duty! From this hillside I could step into eternity, perhaps I already have, the Kingdom of the Heavens are always near. The wind echoes around the hillside as the sun sets on me and whispers from Heaven and earths narrowpoint; 'I will always be your friend", and Jesus I will always be yours. The Heavens are always friendly and always near, continually around us and above our head.
One of the Brothers gave me a ride back to the airport, I offered him some money to help pay for the gas. He refused and said; "keep praying and give to the poor." Not a bad Gospel summary to live by! A parting gift from a simple monk for me as I take steps to board the plane home.
Final Thoughts.
'...and in the noise and clatter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great a tranquility as if I were upon my knees at the blessed sacrament' (Br. Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God). Oh, for that familiar friendship with Jesus! We live in His intimacy. Contemplation is the art of sitting in the presence of God and looking upon Him face to face. Up on the hillside or down in the valley, in a church sanctuary or in the shopping mall, let God be contemplated by His friends. Silence and solitude are casualties of a restless spirituality, and driven-ness shipwrecks the soul. Kyrie Eleison ! Let us beware the tyranny of the urgent and what Merton described as 'the meaningless confusion of a life in which there was so much activity, so much movement , so much useless talk, so much superficial and needless stimulation' that we forget who we are (The Monastic Journey). I would like not to forget. I would like to remember who I am and live in remembrance of the Lord. I would like to keep truth in mind and be a man of peace. I would like to live a real life.
Rev. Mike Stewart is the Associate Priest at St. Matthews Anglican Church, Abbotsford.
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