A good two years ago, when God was walking me through a lot of my healing and restoring me back into his church, I always had a longing to be known and valued in a community. But I continually fought feelings of not being worthy or good enough. I had a ton of internal strife, wanting so much to be a part, an important part, but I felt so far from that and it left me thinking most of the time, why bother?
I know that my church has really stressed the "no hierarchy" thing and has been void of labels and the whole pedestal idea, inviting everyone to the table. But in truth I don't think you can avoid the fact that church leaders are seen as the ones who belong and who set the guage for belonging (especially through the eyes of a broken soul), even while they stress that all belong.
Our culture says that unless we have an important role to play, our value is "less than." And it's somehow filtered deeply into our evaluation of ourselves. So even though the church wasn't sending me the message that I was wanted only because of what I could bring to the table, I didn't feel worthy unless I could bring something.
Then, back to two years ago, I began to find a place in intercession. it didn't begin being integrated with the church till months later, but it was a place that my heart felt it could give to God and others. That desire grew and intercession became a huge part of my world. Then, as I began to share with others some of what God was speaking to me, I found acceptance in ways I hadn't known. That was a real fulfilling thing for me in that it gave me belonging. I felt as though I had a place, a place as an intercessor.
But the underside of that was, I began to believe that I was needed and important because of my prayers. And it created an unhealthy sense of belonging. I didn't even recognize it as that at the time. My intercessions were an expression of my love for God and others, but it became my identity and my board to sail on rather than flowing out of knowing the reality of God's love for me: as I am not as I do.
The lines can get messy here but the proof for me was how I felt after my intercession and giving words to people. It seemed like my belonging was dependent on how the prayer time went or how the word was received. I could be elated or devastated based just on the outcome. That is where I can look back and see that I was longing so much to belong but I was finding it outside of myself rather than in the depth of God's presence inside me.
So in December of last year, when God asked me what I wanted from him and of him, my reply was, "To go deeper." And my interpretation of that was to hear more and play a bigger part in his kingdom through my prayers.
his response to that was, "Lay everything down. Strip naked," he said, "and leave it all behind, then come down off the beaten path into the river."
I thought, "Why? What's in the river?"
"Me," he said. "Come inside me, not just for a visit, but come stay, remain, wait. Don't come with an agenda, looking to find something or expecting to learn. Don't try to fulfill a prophecy. Don't have any motivations driving you or keeping you there... No more purposeful questions or seeking answers. No more words or exhortations."
So I did. I walked away from it all and jumped in. I feared losing all that I had gained but somehow knew I had no other choice if I really wanted to go deeper. But the amazing thing was, I began to see love wasn't about what I could offer. Even though my head knew all that, my heart didn't.
Then it went further. I had to face the longings to belong and be loved without being able to do anything about it. I faced temptations--and failed--but his love remained, he remained, I remained. And I began to slowly realize he didn't need me or want me to do anything for his kingdom except love him.
And now I know I belong.
And it's not dictated by anyone. The belonging is deep in my soul and I feel so free to finally step out and be a part, an important part. Without the inner battles of whether I pass the test with this person or that. I am so submersed in him that I can more freely love now without feeling like my place is constantly on the line. I know that no matter what I do in a day, I am loved through it all.
I still have feelings of inability and inadequacy but the desire to risk more now just leaks out of me; it's the life of God! And my longings for love are actually the passion of God in me longing to love me.
How's that for a sermon? I'll conclude with this tidbit from Jeff Imbach's The River Within:
"Because we're not rooted in the truth of God's loving presence in our lives, we always feel alienated and not good enough. Our identity is rooted in something outside of us. When we're cut off from our innermost life, we get into an endless round of failed attempts at life, which compound the discouragement and the shame... And which makes people feel that the life they were given by God is unacceptable, not even presentable... They may as well keep their mouths shut. In hiding from life... they inadvertently dam the life of God that wants to flow through them and become a gift to others."
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