Into the Silence by Fi Calder

I linger in the doorway
reluctant to step over the threshold
He stands before me
His hand held out in invitation
‘come, Dear One, I’ll show you the way’
I take His hand and He leads me into the unknown
into the silence, into the darkness
ever deeper into the emptiness
my heart pounds
I’m afraid
can this be right?
I thought being a God-follower meant being led into light and joy and freedom
‘trust Me’, He whispers
we stop for a moment, a pause on our descent
He takes both my hands and He looks into my face
its not necessary to speak, His eyes say it all
‘its going to be alright Fi’
He breathes, I breathe
He waits ‘til calm comes
then we walk on, hand in hand
into the sorrow, into the heartache
ever deeper into the emptiness

something is drawing me
its not just His hand which I grip so tightly in mine
it’s the cry of the forgotten
the desperate call of those buried alive
huge walls appear before me
great grey stones piled as high as the eye can see
I sense that there are ‘beings’, barely still human, trapped behind the rocks
fully isolated, fully alone
I look at Him questioningly
His face tells me I’m sensing right
this place is somewhere in His heart for His heart has room in it for all …
there’s not a soul that He would abandon to its fate
instead He endures with them through their desolation
each and every one has a place in His heart
here are the voiceless ones
chained to walls and radiators
prisoners
slaves
abused
festering
interminable pain
unbearable living
… but not forgotten, at least not by Him

we drop to our knees
hearts throbbing with waves of grief
throats too tight to make a sound
silent lament squeezed out of every pore
I lose myself in His heart
we are one for that moment
resonating in harmony with the crushed and broken

now we are alone again
just Him and me
our faces wet with tears
I rest my head against His shoulder and He rests His head on my head
we just breathe, that’s all
we wait
He stands and offers me His hand again
I take it and He leads me on
deeper into the silence, deeper into the darkness
deeper into the emptiness
as we walk I feel as though my life is slipping away
I become less and less able to find words to think and speak
silence creeps into my voice box
musical notes dance their way out of my heart and they don’t return
even the words of other people become harder and harder to recognise
I see their lips moving but I can no longer make sense of what comes out of their mouths
I’m scared
this volume of quiet is unnerving me
I feel alone in a strange world
it’s a world without words
but if there are no words how can I express my thoughts, my worship and my prayers?
and who am I without these things?
but at least I still have love in my heart
that counts for something doesn’t it Jesus?
at least I can still love and care
He gives me this little smile
it’s the tender smile of One who knows how desperately I need to love and who also knows what’s coming

the darkness surrounds us
the world I once knew feels far, far away now
I don’t like this journey
I wish Jesus had chosen the still waters and green pastures for my walk with Him
I seem to be disintegrating
a stripping down of layer upon layer
my securities and comforts are no longer within reach
its just me and Him and the dark emptiness
we walk on
a step at a time
a day at a time
deeper, ever deeper, into the silence
and then the awful day comes when I realise that even love has deserted my heart
its last dregs have trickled away
the rivers have dried up
the streams have evaporated
just dust and rocks left
its so dry I can barely swallow

now I know I’m truly lost
this hand in mine cannot be Jesus’
I must have made a mistake, for He would never lead me this way
I rage at myself for being fool enough to enter this journey
I should have known there’s no emptiness or darkness in His heart
this place where I find myself is not a God place, it just can’t be
I must have taken a wrong turn and now I’m lost

He waits
He does not speak
He just waits for my ranting to subside and the gloom to set in
then He squeezes my hand to remind me of His presence
somehow I remember the importance of looking into His face
so I search out His eyes to try and discover who this is
but it looks like Jesus
still those tender eyes
still the same assurance and confidence
is this really You Jesus?
is it You who has brought me to this place where I can no longer give or receive words, and where even the love in my heart has disappeared?
what is left Lord if I cannot love?
if I cannot even respond to another person’s love?
I feel like I’m just a body and a bankrupt soul
impotent
derelict
as good as dead
and how can I allow others to love me when this is all that I am?

the silence is like the endless whiteness of the Arctic
its so empty
this is where I find one of my little ones
alone in this vast and hostile landscape
is this really a place in Your heart Jesus?
how can that be possible?

You draw aside and approach the child
her face is erased, it almost looks like a swarm of bees
as if all the lines of her features have been chopped up into a thousand tiny moving pieces
her feet are trapped in a huge block of rejection
but You seem undisturbed
or rather, You are not phased by her appearance
You only see the child, that’s all
You take a seat on her cement block and You gently lay Your head against her form
how can you use a child like this as a resting place Jesus?
she has no words, no gifts, no love
she has nothing for you
Jesus, don’t You know, she may never change?
I may never change
this may be all she’ll ever be
this may be all I’ll ever be

precious, precious
of infinite worth
just as she is
just as I am
His resting place
that place where He lays His head
where He lingers to catch His breath and to just ‘be’
to come alongside and to rest a while

crikey Lord, you turn my world upside down
You invite me to sit with my broken pieces, even my Gollums
and you ask me to rest my head against them
to linger in their presence
You ask me to lay down my strivings for transformation
to accept, without a single demand, all my emptiness and darkness
to love my unloveliness
to value and learn from my places of deepest silence
You show me that our journey has not only been a voyage into the recesses of my own heart
but it has also been a journey into Your heart
You are The Word
The Living Word
The Word Revealed
yet even heaven has need of a half hour of silence
does this mean that you are not just The Word, but you are also The Silence?

Comments

[Frances Mack]

You touched my heart with Jesus.
Thank you