Into the Valley by Logan Runnalls

 [Note from editor: Logan Runnalls experience with and thoughts about melancholy and depression are breakthroughs in the field. Please visit his blog at intothevalley.wordpress.com]

I now realize that what I have called depression for so long is actually two separate yet related things.  The first thing I named as depression is actually a deep and constant melancholy which is with me even in times of great joy.   There is also a vague yet strong sense of anxiety that will colour every moment of my day if I do not take medication.
 
This melancholy is actually positive; it comes from something good. It comes from a deep understanding in my heart that all is not right.  It tells me there is something that I need to address in my life. The problem arises when I try to avoid these dark emotions.  They scare me, even to the point of being paralyzed. But when I hear this melancholy clearly it says: “Call on the name of the Lord!”
 
The depression is not a positive force in my life but is founded in lies and deception. This depression tells me I am weak and should be ashamed of my weakness. So I hide from others and from myself which only increases my shame and anxiety. When I hear this depression clearly I hear “Run! (You’ve got nowhere to go.)”
 
The melancholy can guide me to wait upon Jesus, the depression spurs me on to numb action. It is so easy to try and reject the melancholy along with the depression, partly because the depression has twisted and confused it. But this is an integral part of who I am. This is part of how I now bear the image of Christ. In my own way I am a man acquainted with sorrow.

 * * * * *

I have been ashamed I am not as God.

I am tired, I hurt people, I get confused, I ache, I let people down, I think of myself before others, I fail.

But I am not God.  What do I have to be ashamed of?
 
I am lost but the Good Shepherd seeks his sheep.
I am tired but he is my comfort and solace.
I ache but Jesus aches with me.
 
I am weak but even so God is good.
I have lied but even so God is kind.
I am selfish but even so God is gentle.
I have tasted the world but even so God is generous.
 
I may stumble but God is good.
I may stumble again but God is mighty.
I may stumble again but God restores.
I may forget but even so God is love.

Logan Runnalls

Comments

[Eric H Janzen]

Logan, thanks for this. I totally understand what you are saying. I remember some years ago now learning about melancholy and how it differs from depression. It was a revelation for me as I, like you, have a melancholic nature. It is good to hear what you say about not rejecting the depth that comes from melancholy while recognizing the very different character of depression. Hey...I'm not alone! and that feels good to know.

cheers,
eric h janzen

[jan]

this comment is not made in error (it is the same as the last comment i made)

how understandably human..
and beautifully divine.

thank you Logan.

blessings