#40 - Poetry & Reflection by Terry Van Roon

#40 

I am twisted words

A life of falling

Falling to be faster

Bowing to be higher

Weeping to be happy

Repentance

An expectation of the divine

Humanity's gift

 

When I twist words, they become me

When others twist words, they bend me to believe

To break me

When He untwists words, I become them

Reclaiming their worth

Removing their shame

Regaining their purpose

 

Selfish—

I pray in isolation

Prayers warped by entitlement

Blinded by the thick dark lens of me

The unholy trinity: me, myself, and I

Now and forever...

But “I” turns to “us” in a moment of illumination

We the people

For the people

All 

The

People

I in them and they in me

And we are all together

(goo goo g’joob)

My breath is for us now

I can fight for us now

I can cry for us now

I can break for us now

 

Guilty—

Isolated words, literally read

Twisted to induce a guilt coma

Moral code used like a skillful fencer

To pierce our hearts with shame

I am creature

Creature thoughts are my way

Causing pain to others

To myself

But I am renewed like a psalm

Ebb and flow of hate and love

Judgement and mercy

Pride and humility

Catching glimpses of God in the high things

Giving me eyes to see clearly

And endure my base life in joy

 

Sinful—

Darkest dark

All light to illumine, absorbed

Dividing time and space

Tricking me to believe

That was then, this is now

Used by the sick and twisted

To instil fear

To gain control

To make money

Lost in translation

My shirt label now reads

Missing the mark

I am wearing this shirt thin

Me and my bro St. Paul

Self-proclaimed “chief of sinners”

We are in good company

As we do not do what we will to do

Weekly

Daily

Hourly

 

Lost—

I use “the day I was saved” to make black and white the grey areas of the continuum

I use “the hour I first believed” to make “us and them” judgements and criticisms

My need

For a Saviour

Hasn’t changed

Repentance is the cozy armchair I can rest in

Communing with the Creator of the Universe

Forever there

Calling me home

Becoming more comfortable as time shapes me to its cushions

 

Prideful—

Humility’s long-standing rival

Archenemies through the ages

Pride: adorned with heavy armour

Glinting in the spotlight

Fighting its nemesis at every turn

Humility: donning a sackcloth cape

Ashes as war paint

Clearing the path to repentance

Disguised as silence in Pilate’s trial

Healing a mother’s daughter with scraps meant for dogs

Seeing The Baptist exit, stage left

I bow low before the mighty weak that have gone before

As I hear in the distance 

The publican beat his breast

 

Unworthy—

Feeling like the backhand of God

Calling out bad things

From bad people

Used like a slave master’s whip

Reminders cracking in my ears

You will never amount

You will always be wanting

A backpack to carry our shame

But tables turned!

Salvation is in the house of Zacchaeus

Overwhelmed by grace

Exorbitant!

Overwhelmed by forgiveness

Disproportionate!

Overwhelmed by love

I can hardly breathe!

Too much good to handle

Unworthy!

 

I am twisted words

A life of falling

Falling to be faster

Bowing to be higher

Weeping to be happy

Repentance

An expectation of the divine

Humanity's gift

 

———

Reading my morning and evening OCA prayers brought up a ton of issues around daily confessing my sinfulness, unworthiness, etc. Yet in all the saints I’ve read about they had no problem with these words. So I continued to read them instead of my former evangelical pick-and-choose-only-the-ones-I-like method, asking God to begin to show me other meanings than the ones I gave those words (as my knickers were certainly in a knot). 

I saw that:

1. The prayers and psalms are cyclical in nature starting in a place of repentance and ending with God’s goodness.
2. I could connect to the time and place when I first recognized my need for Christ—I still need him the same. 
3. My prayers are not individual but include humanity and the human condition can easily bring me to a place of repentance 
4. Sin (or sinner) is better translated as having missed the mark—something easily and daily done.
5. Being unworthy does not mean I am bad but humbled in the presence of a God who loves and cares for me more than I handle.
6. Humility is the reversal of the first sin of pride. (Jesus at his trial. Canaanite woman “even the dogs”. Zacchaeus story)

Comments

[Brad Jersak]

I think that section is very important and have similar ways of processing it.

At first, I found St. Basil's prayer of preparation a bit cringe-worthy (through old eyes of shame),
but eventually was surprised to have trouble getting through it without touching deep emotions that felt healthy and healing nearly every time.

It feels like gratitude for the great grace that we've been given--similar to what we would expect of the thief, the prodigal, the woman at Jesus' feet, etc.

I also saw how the rhetoric of it works: the emphasis is on helping people understand that absolutely no one can say, "this isn't for me."

That is, Basil's prayer isn't about emphasizing how shitty we are, but rather, declaring that there's simply no shit you can imagine that he can't wash.