Attending St. Stephen’s University is nothing like I expected it to be. I knew it had a small student body and a history grounded in Christian values which, while I didn’t consider myself religious, I figured I could handle. What I’ve discovered since the beginning of my first year is that this university is an absolute treasure; I’ve met some incredible people, been educated by high standards in captivating ways, and most importantly, discovered myself like never before. The stable and loving communal environment here has created the space I needed to best explore myself in depth, and beginning a few months into my first semester, I began to do just that.
In the midst of a crumbling relationship, piles of procrastinatory-induced homework, and my inevitable adolescent angst, I experienced what I can only think now to call my very own existential crisis. At this time, I questioned everything. I had no idea what to make of the life I’d been living, along with the critical thoughts and emotions I had swirling around in my head at the time: a perfect storm of sorts. Finally, one night I sat alone in the main room on campus, picked up a guitar, and with the help of my phone’s virtual notepad, wrote this song in one sitting:
I am so frustrated
Who am I supposed to believe?
Has something been miscalculated?
Things aren’t always as they seem
Things aren’t always as they seem
Complexities in nature
The mechanical structures of man
How is one superior to the other?
I hold the answers in my hand
I hold the answers in my hand
Ch -
Do I trust logic?
Do I emote?
Shall I think big picture,
or individually denote?
Knowledge of good and evil
flows through to the divine
Which of these are mine?
Which of these are mine?
V2-
Relationships crumble
The cherry flies off to singe the bumble
Spilling over, I stumble
And you tell me to be humble
You tell me to be humble
Buoy bobbing here and there
Unstable, I lacerate my own hair
Bleating to the sky I wail and wonder:
What spell am I under?
What spell am I under?
Ch-
V3-
Philosopher’s stone
Who resides upon that ravishing throne?
Through the caverns I drone along
Who’s to say I’m wrong?
Who’s to say I’m wrong?
My thoughts are conflicted
My range is dramatically restricted
When all of a sudden, the earth shifted
What have I been gifted?
What have I been gifted?
Bridge -
Intervention
The likes of which I will not mention
But I know I’ll never know which four horsemen go
At the end of it all
I can’t attend the end of it all
Alt Ch-
So I’ll trust logic
And I’ll emote
I’ll think big picture
And individually note
That the knowledge of good and evil
Still flows through to the divine
All of these are mine
I said all of these are mine
All of these are mine
~
Music has always been a way for me to express my internal turmoil, and this instance was no different. Each line relates to some aspect of my state at the time, and it wasn’t until my recent seminar on Existentialism that I realised how perfectly my lyrics aligned with existential values. Now that some context has been provided, these following paragraphs will dissect and explain my song lyrics and how they reflect some main existential themes.
The first stanza of verse one is, I feel, fairly self-explanatory. At this point in time, I was sincerely frustrated with everything, questioning all I’d been taught or conditioned to believe. It is the deception of residing in a reality which is determined from outside forces that I challenge here, which is a common theme in existentialism- determining the meaning of life from an individual’s perspective, opposed to “following the herd.” The second half of verse one is the first mention of duality in this song, “Complexities in nature/The mechanical structures of man,” which is immediately followed by more questioning, specifically as to why one is superior to the other. This is often the problem with “us versus them” thinking, as it creates two sides of extremes where people latch onto whichever they most identify with, demonizing the other in the process. My questioning here is more to do with the absurdity of right and wrong, as so much of the world is experienced through an individual’s perception and worldview. In this case, how could anyone proclaim that one thing is superior to another?
This introductory verse leads into the chorus which pays homage to some specific thought processes I was having at the time. I was struggling with the duality of my own mind, and was attempting to find the most efficient way to compartmentalize one side of my brain versus the other. For the longest time, I separated my logic from my emotional brain, forever trying to prioritize the former and oppress the latter. This concept is hilarious to me in retrospect, considering the history of the rise of rationalism alongside the Industrial Revolution of the 19th century. I had been attempting to do what Raskolnikov had done in Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, and I was having only slightly more success because I hadn’t completely lost my sanity. Regardless, two new ways of compartmentalizing my brain came onto my radar around the time of this song’s composure: big versus small picture oriented thinking, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil versus the Tree of Life as ways to explain my morality. I reference all three of these concepts in my chorus, the last of which is slightly more difficult to uncover so I’ll elaborate.
In the lines “Knowledge of good and evil/Flow through to the divine,” I’m recognizing morality’s ties to religion, specifically, Christianity. While I’ve never actually had a problem with the beliefs of Christianity, I have come to realize that I have immense issues with Christendom, something that theist and atheist existentialists address. The chorus as a whole is essentially asking these three questions: Do I act in accordance to my ration or my feelings?; Am I cog in the machine or live completely alone in the universe?; And, does my understanding of morality through the lens of a divine creator align with my true morality?
Moving along to verse two, the first line opens with a common absurdity of life: the loss of relationships. I was going through something akin to this at the time, and the frustration of drifting apart from someone is incredibly odd when you think about it. The following line is using colloquial language to depict a scene where someone has flicked the lit part of a cigarette (the “cherry”) so that it incinerates a bee. While the reference to a cigarette pays perfect tribute to French existentialist Albert Camus, it’s also a metaphor for humanity’s destruction of nature for our own gain, even though that gain will ultimately be our demise (smoking is bad and so is pollution, don’t do either). The next lines, “Spilling over, I stumble/And you tell me to be humble,” is meant to be a slap in the face directed toward authority. Life is suffering and we often stumble, plus, an individual’s experience is so subjective that no authority has the right to suppress that individual’s emotions for them.
Part two of this verse is mostly illustrative of my internal turmoil, but the first line connects quite directly to an existentialist theme. Often a struggle for existentialists is trying to convince people they’re not nihilists. The difference between the two is that existentialism demands an individual find their own meaning in life, this meaning acting as an anchor to orient themselves and base their actions. Nihilists simply accept that there is only meaninglessness, and people who believe there is no meaning will act in accordance with this belief. I’ve come to understand the line “Buoy bobbing here and there,” as representative of finding anchorage in meaning, while still accepting life’s ebbs and flows as they come. In this way, existentialists would view the individual as the buoy, not in control of the waves or tides, but still tied to an anchor of meaning which they’ve determined for themselves. Alternatively, you might compare a nihilist to a beach ball lost at sea; no anchor, no meaning, no control.
The third verse references the concept of the philosopher’s stone, essentially the ultimate goal in old practises of alchemy, capable of curing disease, bringing wealth, and granting immortality. This is a very materialistic view life’s ultimate meaning, and I contrast that with another religious reference in the line, “Who resides upon that ravishing throne?” The next few lines, “Through the caverns I drone along/Who’s to say I’m wrong?” I imagine the wandering between concepts of materialism and idealism as similar to that of cave exploration- dark, confusing, disorienting, and ultimately, fostering the feeling of being utterly lost. However, even with these aspects of cave wandering, still no authority can tell me I’m incorrect, as I have complete jurisdiction over my life’s meaning.
The second portion of verse three begins with more general expressions of angst, but takes a turn at the lines, “When all of a sudden, the earth shifted/What have I been gifted?” This is where I envision some form of spiritual awakening with the transition into the bridge. So often, existentialist literature is filled with the idea of “the greatest challenge” as being the breaking point between total acceptance of life’s absurdities and agreement to continue one’s search for meaning, or the plummet into absolute insanity. I also feel that this principle is applicable to many instances of suffering. In existentialism, there is talk about how life is so often suffering, and I believe this to be true. However, it is what an individual does with that suffering which determines their quality of life. Finding authenticity in one’s self and facing life’s challenges head-on will always be difficult, but will ultimately make them more capable to handle the next big struggle. Whereas, if an individual refuses to take on the chaos as it comes, they are not being authentic with themselves, and when that breaking point challenge arises, it’s more likely that they’ll break. The bridge of this song deals with my positive experience with a sort of philosophical/divine intervention, one that gave me life rather than sending me into insanity.
The lines, “I know I’ll never know which four horsemen go/At the end of it all,” is essentially depicting the moment that I accepted life as it is, acknowledging the fact that I will not live to see the end of time. This realization was enough to send me into the stage of ultimate acceptance and search for my own meaning. This is why the final chorus is slightly altered, because I have come full circle. The final stanza of my song is rid of questions, as my new existential view of life has provided me the freedom from duality, and the ability to take what I most value from each of these ideas and apply them to my individual meaning in life.
In my case, I have learned to prize my emotions greatly, which is a theme in existentialism alone. However, I’ve not denounced the role that logic plays in my life, rather I use emotions to determine my most authentic logic. I view the world around me as something greater than myself, but that does not entitle me to recklessness. I have meaning as an individual, but also as one of 7 billion other individuals, and I must be considerate of that. My morality is most certainly grounded in Christianity, but it is completely detached from Christendom. I value the morals of Jesus which are primarily to be humble, love others, and care for the ones who have less than myself. My final line in this song is stating that, “All of these are mine,” in regards to what I reference in the chorus. But also in a broader sense, this simple statement is representative of my ultimate ownership of my thoughts, words, and actions. In existentialism, it is believed that everyone has a sense of situated radical freedom, but a person must take full responsibility for their actions in accompaniment to this freedom.
When I initially composed this song, I didn’t have a name for it. I knew every aspect of the lyrics held significance for me, but it wasn’t until I was exposed to the historical and actual realms of existentialist thought that I was able to identify why these lyrics held significance. It appears that I am a born and raised existential being, which doesn’t particularly surprise me at all. Nevertheless, I’ve decided to award this song a title that I feel I couldn’t have given it prior to my existentialism seminar, but that is the most appropriate in light of every word: Existentially Speaking,
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