i struggle to rise out of bed;
to step forward into the morass and bilge water of life.
i feel as if i am tossed about without direction or purpose.
i have no stars to chart any course with;
and so i drift.
as i drift i see other boats motoring around all over the place and i wonder.
i wonder if they have a direction or are just moving cause they
don’t like, can’t stand, the monotony and helplessness of the drift.
and then i think, what is wrong with me?
that i cannot see a course ahead?
perhaps i am looking at the waves again and their constant motion is inspiring me;
to vomit.
adrift on the sea i need to take a sighting on more than the waves that surround me.
i need land or stars or sun not dreary gray soup day after day, night after night,
as i drift.
some would say pick a heading and go.
even if it leads nowhere you are at the helm; of a ship going nowhere.
or you can drift and hope that whatever it is that has kept you alive this far,
be it fortune, chance, or the divine, is with you once again.
of a sudden you become aware of a rhythmic sound. it has been there for awhile, steadily building until
you hear it and the fear and exhilaration flash through your body; your sweat turning cold.
it is the sound of wave crashing onto rock.
the monotony at an end; the suffering imminent.
perhaps this time it will kill you
but you doubt that.
time after time you have been wracked on innumerable shores.
many a paradise has met you; occasionally a hell, but never a port to stay.
it calls you from beyond still.
you wonder if it is a figment of your mind.
others seem content on the islands; content driving their boats where they think they should go.
but you are not, so you wait for your wave and push your patched up boat out to sea.
as you drift away from the island you find yourself once more pondering the meaninglessness of it all.
there is not the wisdom in the world to figure it out.
adrift, still adrift.
a fool afloat.