A Pseudo-Psalm, by a Pseudo-Jonah:
Jessica Boudreaux

Destroy them Lord –
And then destroy me, too
For i have also done evil
Before Your ever-searching eyes
And am no longer worthy
To be called Your child
But unlike Nineveh that Great City,
I kick and fight and scream
Even now sheltered and safe
Inside this giant whale,
(For me an Ark In The Sea)
And still refuse to receive
The Word that of Your kindness
That was also meant for me-
Always resisting submitting to
This vast Ocean of Love and Peace
That is always flowing from You-
So how is it that with their blind
Ninevite-eyes they can see
That they are seen,
And so effortlessly receive
The Words that I still
Refuse (despite myself) to believe-
That You are merciful,
And Good, and Loving
And ever will be?

(i wonder in this moment-
That is perhaps my last-
Was your message of Mercy
Really meant for Nineveh
Or was it truly intended for me?)

Spirit, would you
Expose the Nineveh
That is inside me
(That You love so dearly)
With these Living Waters
soften my fearful heart of stone
Create in me a willing spirit
Because I desperately want
to want to repent of this pride
And in sackcloth and ashes
Return to You and receive
The Gift of mercy and compassion
Promised and extended
Always even to me

Storms of death-and-resurrection
Surround You- and swallow me-
Long before any creature of the sea
And from the drowning darkness of the deep
Like You did in Eden
Once again You are
Separating from the waters
This parched, dry land
With loving Wounded Hands
And holding me tenderly
Filling me with life's breath again

And out of the deep
i still raise my cry
Even though i now am lying
On sand warm and dry
Will You come to set me free?
Will You hear my voice
After i fled from Yours
Jealous You are for me-
Even now, is the scent of the sea
And of the fragrance of a whale's belly
Still a pleasing offering of incense to Thee?

I Hear the sound of Your Voice
Calling to me in my shame
Like Adam after feasting
From Eden’s deceiving tree-
And somehow i even see You
Walking on the shores of distant Galilee
Offering fish and peace, wanting to eat
With sinners, runners, deniers like me-
Reconciled around campfires so sweet
And i when i see You still come near
i fall to my face as though dead
But You Are Here *with me*
In the eternal-ness of every “now”
You lay Your hand upon me
And kneeling beside me
You whisper-

“Arise Jonah–
Doves are meant to fly
Not run and hide
Arise Jonah–
My Goodness
Is ever pursuing you
So, my child
My beloved one
Arise-
And Walk
With Me
Into Life”

i am
sinking
i am
drowning
i am
overwhelmed
By waves
By darkness
So if Your Spirit is
Truly hovering over
These chaos-waters
Then Oh Lord
To Your Spirit
I commend
My spirit
And so now
i surrender
i will let myself
Be cast upon
The waters
The floods
The storms
The waves
And if You
Are Good
And Compassionate
And Merciful
And Kind
May these
Raging seas
Wash my soul clean
And may Your Love
Sweep me away