Grief.
A
few months ago I was fortunate enough to hear Mike Stewart from St. Matts, give
a talk on suffering. He asked us ‘have
you got room in your theology for suffering?’ So here was the challenge; suffering and sadness is a part of life, but
do we have a Christianity which can embrace it. It really got me thinking and remembering my nursing days. I was a nurse for 14 years. The last 8 years of that was spent working as
a registered nurse in a hospice. We
cared for people with terminal cancer and just a few with AIDS. About half of them died with us, and half of
them went home. It was a part of the
British National Health service and was therefore by no means a Christian
setting. The patients and their families
taught me most of what I will share with you now on the subject of grief.
Grief
is a very important part of life. We all
experience it. It’s a God given gift,
designed by Him so that we not only survive life’s trials and sufferings, but
we also grow through them.
Can
you think of some things we grieve over?
The
most obvious is the death of a friend or family member.
But
can you think of some other things?
A
failed marriage
A
broken friendship
Our
house gets burgled or burned down ~ loss of all our possessions
Someone
we trusted lies to us or deceives us
Ill
health … loss of some of our body functions
Oppression
and abuse
Injustice
Proverbs
says a foolish son brings grief to his parents.
Loss
of a job ~ unemployment ~ poverty.
How
we grieve.
grief.
Just
briefly, these begin with the initial stage of shock when a grief first hits
us. Bam! And we’re reeling from its impact.
It
then passes through denial, anger and bargaining (though not necessarily in
that order),
And
finishes with acceptance as the final stage.
You
don’t have to grieve to the text book’s tune, all you have to know is that it’s
a journey and its end destination is that you come to terms with your loss.
is often a long process. In our modern
world of quick fixes I find that many people are way too hard on themselves and
each other about how quickly they feel they should be getting over a
bereavement. In the hospice we used to
tell people who’d lost a loved one that it might well take 2 years before they
would start to feel ‘back to normal’ again. For some it would be shorter, but for some it would be longer. Its not that they were going to feel dreadful
that whole time, but they would find that they would have seasons when it would
feel as fresh and as raw as the day it first happened.Time
really does heal, if we will work through our grief in healthy ways and with
God’s help.
The process of grief is different for each individual, and
for each family.
We
have to learn not to judge each other for how we mourn.
A
couple of years after Scott and I got married we had a call from Canada to say
that Scott’s mum had died. He took the
news very calmly while I bawled my eyes out. Over the next 3 days he
was very quiet, but still calm and he carried on
with life as normal. Meanwhile I cried
almost constantly until I simply had no tears left. Scott is not the
type of person to force his
emotions, he just waited until they were ready to surface. And here’s
how his grief happened. Every few weeks he would dream about his mum,
and he would wake up sobbing. Then I
would hold him and we would cry together until it passed and then we’d
go back
to sleep. After a year it became less
frequent, and after a couple of years it was just about finished.
There’s
no right or wrong way to grieve so long as its not destructive.
A
person may say to you, “I know exactly how you’re feeling cos I’ve been through
the same thing you’re going through.” And they may be able to empathise closely with you. But, in fact, they went through their own
process of grief and you’ll go through yours, and though they may have
similarities they will be different. In
fact no one can really know what you’re going through in all its fullness
except God. Those who love you can come
alongside to support and encourage you, but only God can enter into the depths
of what you are experiencing.
Did
you know that in all your distress He too is distressed? I lifted that word for word from the book of
Isaiah. He has also instructed us to
mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice. That’s because that’s what He
does. He mourns with those who mourn,
and He rejoices with those who rejoice. God is not devoid of emotion when we are going through sorrow. Rather His heart resonates with ours. Its as if He says, let your pain be My
pain. Let your sadness be My sadness.
But
what does He know of grief? What right
does He have to say He can identify with us in our griefs?
If
you’ve never done it, then read Jesus’ life story some day soon; you’ll find
plenty of grief in there.
The
Bible describes Jesus as a man of sorrow, acquainted with grief. How I love those words … this is the God of
the universe we’re talking about; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. The truth is, Jesus understands about
suffering. He understands about loss and
disappointment. He understands about
death and sacrifice. So we need never
think He would distance Himself when we go through them … no, he would rather
take our hand and show us the way.
And
how do we know this? Well,
God has included this information in the most well known psalm of all. The psalm of the good shepherd; Psalm
23.
“even
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For
You are with me;
Your
rod and Your staff they comfort me.”
Grief
is like the shadow of death. Its as if
death’s cloud is casting its shadow over our lives and the sun gets hidden
behind that cloud for a while. Its as if
we’re walking through a dark valley.
But
we don’t have to do it alone. Our good
Shepherd, Jesus, is with us, and He will comfort us.
‘letting go’ factor
Have you ever noticed that one of the biggest components
of grief is that whole thing of letting go? And isn’t this one of the main reasons why its so painful for us? … its
hard to let-go of people and things that mean so much to us. Its natural for us to resist our losses. Its hard to embrace them.
I have included the following story because for some of us
today, the biggest source of grief in our lives and in the lives of the people
closest to us, is ourselves. We are that
source of sadness. There are things we
just can’t bear to look at about ourselves. Things we just can’t bear to
face. But maybe today is the day to take
a step towards our healing. We don’t
have to do it all by ourselves, He will do it with us and in us if we will
allow him.
There
is a woman that I know. She’s a nice
lady and she’s been a follower of Christ for many years. But though she
knows He loves her and that He
made her in His image, underneath it all she’s never really liked
herself. And then one day, quite unexpectedly, while
she was resting quietly with Jesus, He placed a tiny newborn lamb into
her
hands. She saw this lamb struggling to
stand, its legs trembling uncontrollably, and for her this was a
picture of
absolute weakness and fragility. Then
Jesus said to her, “its time to start accepting yourself, dear
One.” And in that moment she knew He was saying she
was like this tiny scrap of a lamb and that He was saying she needed to
accept
the fact. She stormed against Him and
wept bitterly, ‘but Lord, I wanted to be like an eagle, or a bear, or a
lion. I wanted to be a great pillar,
tall and strong. All my life I’ve
thought you would transform me into a different sort of a woman if I
just
worked at it hard enough or had enough prayer ministry.’ Her heart was
so grieved. Can you see why? Jesus was asking her to let go of her
hopes
and dreams of becoming someone strong; someone who she thought people
might
look up to and respect. Jesus wanted to
bring her to a place of accepting who He had made her to be. She saw
only weakness in the lamb, but He saw
other attributes, things which He valued in her; gentleness,
vulnerability,
tender-heartedness, child-likeness.
Was
her grief justified? Was God angry at
her for her attitude? God is
compassionate. He waits for us, and what
is more, He walks with us through our sorrows. When she was ready, the woman said to Him, ‘Lord, I cannot accept this
yet, but I am willing for you to change my heart so that I can accept who You
have made me to be.’ She had been honest
with him and she was ready to allow Him to help her. Is that enough for God to work on? Yes, it is.
And
this is a word for some of you here today. There are things God wants you to begin to face about yourselves, and
things He wants to help you to accept. And yes, He knows its going to cause your heart to be really sad, but
its His time. Don’t put it off any
longer. Don’t be afraid. He will be with you right the way through and
He is leading you to a better place.
So
consider some of the things God has asked you to let go of … people you have
loved and lost, special places you may never return to, precious possessions
which are gone forever, aspects of your health which you once took for granted,
hopes and dreams which will never be fulfilled.
Its
hard, isn’t it.
Sometimes
all we can do is say, ‘Lord, I’m willing to be willing to let these things
go. Please help me where I’m
stuck.’ And because we have invited Him
into our situation, He will come, and He will help us.
The
importance of healthy grieving
About
3 years ago Scott and I began our new life out here in BC having preciously
lived in Britain
and we’ve been here ever since. Freshwind quickly became a safe place for me. I found I had a new meeting place with Jesus
in my heart; a wonderful garden … the type you’d find around the stately homes
in Britain with rolling lawns, walled gardens, herb and vegetable gardens,
orchards and many, many flower gardens and trees. I loved that place, and Jesus began to do a
lot of healing in my heart when I met Him there.
Then
one day I remember thinking to myself, “there must be a water feature somewhere
in this garden” and I began looking for it. I discovered a lake several miles long. Over the coming days Jesus taught me much about that lake; He said it
was my ‘lake of sorrows’. He said it had
started out as just a puddle, but it had gradually grown into a pool, then a
pond, and finally it stretched into this enormous lake.
You
see, grief isn’t something which just evaporates away. If we are denied the right to grieve over the
sadnesses in our lives, or if we deny ourselves the right to grieve, then its
as though those griefs accumulate. Of
course, we can do a pretty good job of keeping them hidden… that is until they
get too full to contain, or the wrong ‘trigger’ comes along. Then when a new grief hits us, suddenly all
the other griefs spill out as well. We
find we’re not just mourning our present loss, but we’re mourning all the old
ones too.
There
are inevitably going to be some pretty devastating bereavements during our
lives, but if there’s no back-log of unfinished grief in our hearts, we will
find it much easier to make it through.
At
one time there was an advanced driving test you could take in Britain. During this test a bowl of water was placed
on the floor of the car, then you had to try and drive without slopping the
water.
But
just imagine that you’re the driver, and that the car is your life, and that
there’s a bowl on the floor containing the sadnesses of your heart. How full would that bowl be? You and I know that the fuller it is, the
more is going to slop out.
And
lets just for a moment consider what is spilling out. Resentment? Anger? Control? Self-pity? Outbursts of emotion? How we deal
with or neglect the sadnesses of our lives has consequences, you know. It shows in our relationships, and our
behaviours. If you are stuck in a
particular pattern of behaviour, why not ask Jesus if there is any unfinished
grief at its root?
The
darkness of grief
reason, it was the Christians who often experienced the darkest moments of
despair when they were dying. This
really made me scratch my head, because I figured that of all people on the
planet the Followers of Christ would be the best equipped to face the trials
and sorrows of life. But let me share
with you a scenario which repeated itself many times.
The
family and friends and pastors from the church community would visit and the
sick person would seem to have such a good time … prayers would be spoken, the
scriptures would be read, everything was smiles. At the end of visiting time the visitors
would all say their goodbyes and pile out. And when they’d all gone sometimes I’d look in and sense the weariness
around the person in bed. So I’d draw their
curtains around them, and sit on their bed, and if they were comfortable with
it I would rest my hand in theirs. Sometimes we sat in silence for quite a while, but at some point I would
ask, “how are you doing?. And here’s
what would happen; they would let down the exhausting walls of pretense and
they would begin to share what they really felt on the inside … and in
those moments I experienced the depths of the isolation and the desolation of
grief that was in their hearts. I don’t
think I have ever known anything so dark or so bleak. Over the years I came to understand this
darkness through the words of Jesus when He was dying on the cross and He cried
out ‘My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?’ In truth, these dear ones felt utterly abandoned by God in their final
days. Church had taught them they were
to be a people of faith and that all emotions contrary to the Truth should be
brought to submission under the Truth. Their theology of suffering was a victorious one. You know, “death where is your sting, the
grave is swallowed up in sweet victory”! etc.. But their cancer had decimated their lives, and its power against them
was so great that they didn’t know what to believe any more.
‘God
must be punishing.’
‘God
doesn’t love me any more, He has turned His face away from me.’
‘My
life has been a waste.’
They were too ashamed to admit their feelings to anyone …
lest people be disappointed in them or consider them disrespectful to God.
Please
believe me, for most of us its hard to change our theology in our dying
days. Far better to change it now and to
practice it over and over until it becomes a real and living part of us. Here’s the key which opens that particular
padlock of darkness, silence and shame. Its simply this – pouring out our hearts; all our thoughts and
feelings before the Lord.
It
doesn’t matter if we can’t find a ‘meeting place’ with Him … the truth is, He’s
there anyway, and He’s listening. And it
doesn’t matter if everything we’re telling Him is contrary to the truth we’ve
been taught about Him. It doesn’t matter
if it feels as though we’re talking into thin air, writing on blank pages, or
slamming our words against an invisible punch bag. We don’t have to feel or sense Him for Him to
be able to hear and help us.
Picture
your heart as a castle with high walls and a deep moat all around it. Our total honesty before God is like us
lowering a drawbridge from the great gateway of our heart. And when we’ve made our confession (however
ugly, or bitter, or angry) its as if it makes an open way for God Himself to
come into our hearts and to start to help us.
So
here is the most powerful key I can give you on your journey through
grief. Do not hide what you are feeling
and experiencing. But rather, tell God
everything. Be utterly transparent
before Him. He can handle it. He will not reject you or despise you for
it. Instead He will come to you in it
and He will transform your darkness. You
may not sense it immediately, but in the course of time, you will. And it begins
with us bringing our dark fears and feelings into His Light.
Sometimes
when I need to pour out my heart to the Lord, it feels as though I’m unzipping
my belly and all my innards are tumbling out in a hideous mess before Him. And I wonder how He’ll ever put me back
together again!
Just
listen to these verses I found in Psalm 18 in the Message Bible the other day.
“God
made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him.
When
I got my act together He gave me a fresh start.
… I feel put back together, and I’m watching
my step.
God
rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes.”
And
you know, sometimes God will send us a friend who will be His ears for us. Sometimes it really helps to make our
confession to a person who we can see and touch. It can be a huge relief for our hearts. Choose friends who are good for you, and then
treasure them.
Carrying
Other People’s grief
Now
sometimes we don’t just carry our own griefs, but we also carry other people’s
griefs too.
In
fact, some people make a lifestyle out of it; I did. I honestly didn’t know it wasn’t a good thing
to do.
When
other people were hurting or sad, I was too. I didn’t understand that there was Someone I could off-load their
sadness to.
It is
not God’s intention that we hold onto other peoples’ griefs.We
need to place these dear ones into Jesus’ hands.
The
cross is a great “meeting place” for us to do this. Here, we hand over these friends to the Risen
Christ … leaving them with Him who knows them far better than we do and is also
far more able to help them.
I
would like to tell you the story of Michael. The hospice where I worked was for adults. But just once I nursed a child there. I have no idea how he came to be in our care:
he was about 11. He had been born with
cerebral palsy, and later had developed a cancer. I don’t suppose he was with us for more than
a few weeks.
Michael
died one sunny afternoon. We had called
his mum to tell her his time was short and we sat with him while we
waited. She didn’t manage to arrive
until after he had died, but she spent a little time with him then. After she had gone we bathed him one last
time and changed him into some clean clothes. It came time to take him downstairs to the cold room next to the chapel
of rest where he would be kept until the funeral directors could collect
him. We got out the big trolley which we
used to transport our patients downstairs. But when it came to it, it just didn’t seem right for this little boy. So instead we piled the trolley high with all
his teddy bears and soft toys, and it was decided that one of us should carry
him down instead. I don’t remember why,
but for some reason I was chosen. So I
gathered him up in my arms and held him close. I am neither big nor physically strong, but somehow God gave me the
strength to carry this dead child through the corridors and down the elevator
to the mortuary. It was something I will
never forget. For me it was a sacred
moment and such a great privilege.
And
I think Michael gives us a picture of what its like when we’re asked to bear
another person’s burden of grief. God’s
intention usually is that it should be for just a short time. And He is the one who gives us the
strength. It is always a privilege. And at the end of that time we lay the burden
down in the place of rest; we give it back to Jesus.
Carrying
God’s griefs
Have
you ever considered that God has griefs of His own? Maybe
there are times when He would love for us to put our hand in His and to walk
with Him through His valley of grief. Perhaps
the same rules apply to carrying His griefs as to carrying other peoples’…
1. The intensity of the burden should be of short duration, then it should be
given back to Him and laid to rest.
2. He will give us the strength to carry it.
3. Its our privilege to be counted in by Him.
Why
not comfort God the next time you sense that He is feeling sad?
Conclusion
Do
not be afraid of grief.
Grief
is normal.
It is
healthy, its good. It’s a part of being
alive; being human and having emotions. Perhaps its even a part of loving.
Grief
is not sin.
Grief
is not weakness.
Grief
is not sent to us by the devil. It’s a
God given gift; a process which takes us from the jaws of distress of our
losses and sadnesses towards the spacious place of acceptance and renewed hope.
So don’t look to ‘heal’ people of their grief, or to
deliver them from the spirit of mourning (though very occasionally both courses
of action may be required), but rather look to support and care for them through
their grieving.
Give
them space and permission to grieve in the way they feel most comfortable, and
about the things which are important to them.
Parents
~ you need to allow your children to grieve.
Children
~ you need to allow your parents to grieve.
Even
if you find them grieving over things which have little value to you.
Accept that its probably not going to be the same as the
way you would grieve in a similar situation.
Tread
carefully. Tread gently. Tread respectfully.
Let
your words be few.
O
this is so hard isn’t it! We love to put
in our two cents worth of advise. We try
to fill the emptiness with words … its all we can think of to do sometimes!
But
restrain yourself. If you can sit
quietly and just listen in a caring attitude that will often be the greater
gift to your grieving companion.
All
some people want is a hug or a hand in theirs for a few moments.
To
love and care for someone who is grieving we need God’s help. He can help us to care for them according to their
need, instead of according to our need.
I’d
say our predominant emotion as we watch another person grieve is usually
helplessness. We just wish we could do
something to help them feel all better, to take away their sadness. But lets not act in order to fill our aching
helplessness, but rather in obedience to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. He alone knows the heartache of the wounded
one. He is the only one who can
actually enter into the entirety of their loss. And I believe it is His delight to show us how to care for each other
through the trials of life. Lets commit
ourselves to doing this well at Freshwind, with servant hearts that are willing
to listen for and to obey the voice of the Spirit. He will guide and help us.
To
conclude I’ll read you some prophetic words written about our Jesus several
centuries before He was born. This
describes part of His calling, and this is a calling which He has passed on to
you and me.
Isaiah 61:1-3
ZionThe
Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
Because
the Lord has anointed me
To
preach good news to the poor.
He
has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted,
To
proclaim freedom for the captives
And
release from darkness for the prisoners,
To
proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour
And
the day of vengeance of our God,
To
comfort all who mourn
And
provide for those who grieve in Zion
To
bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes
The
oil of gladness instead of mourning
And
a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair
They
will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of
His splendour.
They
will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated;
They
will renew the ruined cities
That
have been devastated for generations.
Thank you for that reminder! I really appreciated this article.
I often think we do not have enough truthful teaching on the whole aspect of suffering. Often when it comes, people are really hurt because they or those that visit with them have a theology that says it should not happen, and if it does come, either they’ve sinned, or there is something wrong with them, or they just lack faith, or they are being punished, and they come to think God has abandoned them. Like Job’s friends- we can all get it so very wrong.
I have often wondered what Jesus meant when he said we would share in his suffering. Is there a place of fellowship with God in suffering that has a quality unlike others, because it is sharing in His sufferings and comforting His heart? I think maybe there is. Sometimes we carry ours, sometimes we carry others and sometimes we carry God’s. Hopefully in all of it we end up coming to Him and fellowshipping with Him in the midst of it.
Yet we like to think fellowship with God is all about nice warm fuzzies and pastoral pictures, with peace and love and joy, and all the other good stuff. But I think there are times when fellowshiping with God means we feel His heart, and we encounter a depth of compassion, and pain that actually tears us up a bit. If God is a God of compassion, I don’t know how it could be otherwise.
When He looks upon this earth and sees some of the horrible things people go through, I would be very surprised if all we felt when we come into His presence is the “nice” feelings. He is indeed a God who indentifies with our sufferings. Why so often do we get uncomfortable when people in church, or at a prayer meeting weep and weep? Why do we jump to the conclusion that they must be really unbalanced, or going through a hard time, or worse that they are being inappropriate and therefore they should be stopped? What if they are in that momment feeling the heart of God and fellowshipping with Him in His sufferings. What if in doing that, they are comforting God’s heart? I for one would not want to shut that down if it were the Holy Spirit working in a deep place of compassion and intercession. It may be hard too understand, a mystery even, and it may be uncomfortable, or difficult to know how to respond, but it is a very real and dare I say “sacred” part of what it means to fellowship with God.
I think our culture has an even harder time with this whole area of suffering than most others do. We as North Americans seem to be somewhat obsessed with image. We have been taught that it is important to show yourself as being independant, strong, powerul, stoic, and to look good. We are taught to make our own way in the world. We don’t do well with weakness. We don’t like pain, and we certainly don’t like to be uncomfortable for too long. Things that hurt need to be over with quickly. That’s why we don’t grieve well as a society-we expect people to “get over it” in a matter of weeks or days. We give more time for broken bones than we do broken hearts.
It seems as well that we think too much emotion can be threatening. Although you may express emotions, you should not express them too much. At all times, one must be in control. We want to quickly move through the difficult things, or to numb them out, or to deny them, or to hide from them, or even more so, to hide the fact that they are happening in our lives. Heaven forbid that anyone should see what we are really dealing with, so we hide “the difficult things” from the eyes of others.
We also like to keep the whole idea of death at bay. We don’t wash or bury our own, we have people who take care of those sorts of things and we do not really need to touch death. With our emphasis on the remedies of Science, and our complete trust in modern medicine, we manage to think almost everything has a pill or some sort of cure, so that we can take care of whatever ailes us. Death or illness in fact should not happen. Now maybe there is a remnant of something true there, in that we were made for eternity where there is not death or suffering, but somehow we have managed to twist that into a disdain for anything that smacks of imperfection.
We have an extreem emphasis on looking young and beautiful no matter what our real age. In fact, no one is supposed to look their real age, they are supposed to look air brushed and beautiful. Looking any other way, is now considered “sin”. All of this in a way, is a part of the keeping of death far from us. We don’t like anything that is messy, uncomfortable or that smacks of suffering or death. When was the last time you saw a T.V. show about suffering? What are the images that haunt our media? Mainly the bold and the beautiful. We often are sheltered from seeing a lot of what goes on in the world.
I don’t think this is just “out there in the world”, either for I have encountered this attitude in many of our church cultures as well. We like things to look good. We don’t know how to deal wtih the messy side of life, or with people who are suffering or going through hard times. We give platitudes, or distance ourselves or sometimes sadly, even “punish” them for not having enough faith. We may get involved when things look hopeful, but can easily turn our backs when things get hard. We don’t do dificult well.
Let’s face it, It’s easy to be there for one another and to have faith when things look good and are promising. It’s easy when there is an immediate healing, but what happens when people are not healed and they have a long journey of suffering? Not so easy. Then we are challenged on what it means to really love one another. We are then called to a whole other level. We are often at that point, faced with how truly selfish we can be.
We have no other choice but to look to our God in that moment. He is the only one who is always faithful. When we call on Him to help us and to give what we need to walk along the difficult road, He answers us. The fact that we can be faithful despite our uncomfortableness, our fears, our selfishness, or our crisis of faith, is amazing. Only God can help us to walk through the storms of life.
Suffering is not an easy road to walk, regardless of whether you are the sufferer or the one walking alongside the sufferer. I have seen many people leave the faith because of their suffering, or sadly because of the inappropriate way their suffering was handled by the church. Yet again, I have aslo seen people who have walked it’s path and through it, come into an even richer, and deeper faith. Suffering is mysterious, and we don’t always understand why one person turns to God and another turns his back on God, in the midst of it. The Chinese word for crisis someone once told me, holds the word opportunity-I think that is interesting and very true.
I really admire the people that work in this whole are of Hospice. I think that it is a vocation that really invites people to walk on holy ground. The workers are precious people who are providing care at a time when it really means a lot. They are supporting people during a very important stage of their journey. When my mother was in a hospital for a number or years, I was very thankful for one particular nurse who cared for her faithfully and joyously throughout her illness. She brought such an amazing presence of love, and when I look back I see that it was contagious. When she smiled, even the patients who never smiled, smiled. Love does that.
This nurse brought the tenderness of Jesus in all she did, whether it was wiping my mothers brow, or holding her hands, it was all done with great tenderness and not just expediency. Even her smile and her cheerful good moring, while she opened the curtains in the room and let in the light of the day, made all the difference in the world. She had a heart for caring for the dying.
Where some attendants talked over my Mom as if she were not there, this nurse more than anyone else, managed to treat my Mom with dignity and respect. She was a nurse who had a strong sense of God’s presence, and I could see that she lived the scripture “whatever you do to the least of these you do unto me”. When we minister to others that are suffering or in need, we minister to Him. That is a real mystery.
As I saw my Mom laying there in her hospital bed, I was struck by a revelation of God’s love. She had had a major storke at an early age and now she could not even feed herself or do anything but move some muscles on one side of her face and barely raise a hand on one side. Some might think she was of no further use. Some might think they should just pull the plug, in fact one nurse suggested I do that. I was challenged to see things differently. I encounterd God as I looked at her and felt Him say that even if she never lifted a hand again, she was loved by Him and her life had value. I really saw that God does not measure out His love based on our performance or what we look like or what we can DO in this world. He loves us, and values each one of us, because that is His nature and that is what He is made of-Love. And He asks us to be like Him.
The nurse looking after my Mother said that she was not sure who ministered to whoom, because she felt that my Mom’s simple smile at her when she came into the room, made her day. That hit me. Simple, small things became so much more important than any big thing. I began to see that so many of the things we occupy our lives with don’t really in the long run, matter all that much. I realized that this life is not about anything else but how well we love. That’s it.
It took walking through a place of suffering for me to see that. My Mom was in the hospital for three long years, and it was not easy. Many of my extended family refused to come to the hospital as they did not want to see her or remember her that way. It was a very difficult time but I am grateful for it for I encountered a fellowship with God that went deep and I touched something that I can’t even fully articulate.
When I got the call that she was not doing well, I had a choice as to whether I would go and be with her, or wait until she died. I think I made the better choice. I chose to look death in the face. I had the challenge and the privaledge of being by her bedside when she passed away. Two dear friends from my house group stayed most of the night with me.
We sang to her, held her hand, prayed and just sat. We took turns napping, and spelled each other off holding her hand. She was dying with her lungs filling up with fluid, a death that usually has someone gasping for air, but I had prayed that God would help her die peacefully, without fear, and her breathing changed to a slow peaceful pace.
Nurses came and went throughout the night, and they each commented on how unusual it was for her to be breathing as peacefully as she was. They also said they had never felt such a presence of peace before, as they came in that room. I could not see them, but I felt as if there were angels present. I know I certainly felt God’s presence, it was thick in that place. Despite the pain of saying goodbye, there was a strange almost tangilbe blanket of comfort that enveloped me.
That night, my friends showed me a part of God’s faithfulness as they stayed with me as I watched my Mom die. I was so thankful for their companionship and for the lovely care they showed for both my mother and myself. That night, I got to see my Mom get ushered into glory. As my friend and I were on either side of her bed, she breathed her last breath, and slipped away in peace. We both looked at one another and commented on how we had an urge to raise our voices in worship. We knew at that moment, she was dancing with Jesus and all sorrow and suffering had passed away.
How strange to encounter such holiness in a place of dying, but maybe then again, it’s not so strange. Sometimes the places we encounter God the most are when it is dark and difficult, yet in those places the contrast of the brightness of the light is profound. We see things more clearly. I will never forget that night, and I must say I am still learning lessons from it. I am grateful for my friends and the fact that they did not turn from suffering, but instead chose to walk with me through the midst of it. Each of us as a result encountered God, and were given a gift, and I am sure that that gift has eternal value.
Re; The ‘letting go’ factor
“…Jesus was asking her to let go of her hopes and dreams of becoming someone strong; someone who she thought people might look up to and respect. Jesus wanted to bring her to a place of accepting who He had made her to be…”
Even though this was posted a long time ago,this is a timely word for me …I’m glad I found it:)
Jesus has asked me the same. He did so by talking to me about my name; Deborah/Dvora “bee” and strangly enough, through Seinfeld’s ‘Bee Movie”. The intro to the movie shows these words.
“According to all known laws of aviation
there is no way that a bee should be able to fly.
It’s wings are too small to get it’s fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway.
Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible”
Jesus is so kind.
But I wept.
I really thought that one day I should have it all together, and be someone. But Iam someone.
He gave me my name for a reason.
I’m in process of grieving the lesser dream for my life and embracing His.
The first was about me, I think I’m going to like His better:)