How
humbling or degrading is the feeling that I’ve succumbed – with no real intent
on my part – to the legalism of self-preservation?
This
question came to mind while reading Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s 1978 commencement
address to Harvard University.
Unbeknownst
to me until now, anxiety set in on Wednesday around noon.
I was
coming home from a morning meeting, when I noticed that I had about a quarter
tank of gas left in my car. I stopped at two gas stations and they were
both out of gas. I was still calm at this point.
to 3 more gas stations, I realized that I was going to run out of what little
gas I had in my car while desperately trying to find more gas. It dawned
on me that getting gas may be a little more difficult than usual considering
the effect the recent hurricane had on the part of the country that my state
(NC) gets it’s crude oil. Bottom line: there was a gas shortage similar
to when hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.
I called my
wife and told her about the problem and that I wanted to buy a bicycle
immediately. My intent was to ‘do my part’ to help with our incredible
reliance on crude oil. She had no problem with me buying a bike and even
tried to console me. It frustrated me that she could be so ‘trite’ at a
time of such a serious emergency. At the time, I had no idea I was having
a small anxiety attack.
I thought she
was crazy.
I snapped
on the phone…said something about how “drill baby drill” is “the politics of
America raping mother earth” and hung up the phone.
That’s
right, I hung up the phone on my wife…over gasoline.
It’s only
now that I’m beginning to see that anxiety is a demon capable of entrapping
anyone of us. It’s only criteria for possession: humanity.
My mental
framework or rationale was: I didn’t have enough gas to really search for more
gas and I also didn’t have enough gas to pick up my kids from school.
Questions come to the foreground of my mind:
Will
I be able to get gas tomorrow?
Are
we going to even have gas in our city at all?
How
will I get to the airport this weekend to work?
While in
the background on my mind, these questions were already lingering:
Is
our country really about to buy companies in a ‘bailout’?
Are
we heading toward a socialist democracy?
Will
either presidential candidate be capable of steering our country back to some
sense of normalcy?
What
is normalcy for America?
Was
our sense of normalcy nothing more a law of self-preservation guised under the
Modern banner of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
Have
I contributed to this nightmare by inadvertently putting my hope in the
American Dream?
raced….on and on…
I’m not
sure how I looked on the outside, but the inside of me was in such peril that I
felt paralyzed. There was this unspeakable distance between me and the
world I was living in and life I was living.
I was
forced to realize that there was an idol in my life: a false god. This
false god fueled the injustice within me. I was at odds with
myself. Thinking I was normal when in fact I was having an anxiety attack
over gasoline.
Wow.
The
legalism of the land ruled my heart more than the law of God. I had been
in the shadow of another god (fashioned by me), thinking I was in the shadow of
the Creator’s wings.
The
legalism of self-preservation is a slow death; it’s an ethical addiction.
Only the
Spirit of a loving God can turn an experience of such personal humility – and
idolatry – into embers of pursuit to know that God more
intimately. The cup of my heart is overflowing with gratitude for such
humiliation. A private moment of conviction will lead me into a public
expression of grace-giving love. Walking the fine line between being
willing and unwilling, between admittance and denial, I found a peace that
passes all understanding while realizing human solidarity in brokenness.