apparently i am more of a romantic than i thought.
i mean in the context of romantic versus realist, or cynic, and how i perceive the world.
i am concerned with purpose and journeys, quests and questions of life.
too bad for me
having integrity means i will ask the questions and live a life in search of answers i don’t believe i will receive.
though the purpose of asking questions beyond ourselves is not to receive answers for they are beyond ourselves.
rather asking questions beyond ourselves draws our awareness out of ourselves and our narrow mindsets.
asking questions beyond ourselves engages the very real, very frightful, world of mystery that is all around.
and though I find i cannot really make out anything as i peer in the dark
i am not going to close my eyes and believe there to be nothing out there.
i have seen the briefest flashes, tasted the tiniest tang of something beyond and have been changed by the experience.
and now that i know it exists out there, and in me, my life has been shaken all around.
i have become an addict.
other things don’t satisfy the way they used to.
in that moment it is as if you are more alive and to live there would surely destroy you, yet what a way to go.
then the blessing and the curse comes when the intimate connection moves distant once more.
but now you are different.
you cannot go back.
and it is almost like you can feel it out there,
all around.
you have an affinity for it.
senses long dormant have awoken and they seek; and they reveal.
and the other things don’t satisfy the way they used to.
theologies and church services used to scratch the itch.
but no longer.
much like spidey senses my spiritual senses no longer tingle there.
and i am told i am drifting away,
though it seems perhaps i am drifting towards.
and i would like to deny my experiences, thoughts, and feelings and toe the conventional line if i thought it would work;
if i could do it with integrity;
but i can’t.
and the ache,
the ache pulls me on.
my pilgrim’s feet longing for rest yet finding the longed for oasis’ blowing away as mirage dust
at my approach.
and so i walk on.
daylight fades, nighttime ends, but my day is not done.
so once again i wander out into the unknown.
drawn forward by an insatiable appetite for an unknowable reality; the ultimate drug.
and people pray as they see me walk out of town, the drifter with no home.
they say they’d love to see me stay and it’s partly true
but fear crinkles the wrinkles around the edges of their eyes as well.
perhaps people like me have come through here before.
perhaps they’ve seen children of their own leave for the desert.
i was one of those children once
but that was a long time ago.
and i walk on,
the loneliness etching my steps in the sand,
the long path behind shorter than the longer path ahead,
and i walk on.
you see i have been changed by the desert and i am afraid i will never feel home again.
will i forever be walking home?
the question strikes at my heart and i know the answer lies beyond me.
as do more and more these days.
i know i will keep on walking towards that
which i fear, that
which i will never understand, that
which to the best of my limited ability i also
love.
the answers call me, they mock me, they crush me, they lift me,
they are my greatest enemy, my greatest ally,
my temptress and my lover, my life and my death.
and so i stumble on because, i guess,
i am not ready to die yet;
the answer is out there waiting for me.