I was highlighting the difference between refusing and
rejecting when I chose gay marriage as an example. I argued that while
the majority of Canadian churches may oppose same-sex blessings, the
contempt and vitriolic rhetoric that we had shown in the Bill C-38
debate has no place among Christian disciples. I apologized to the gay
community for the way that we had reacted—for being “jackasses” when we
failed to show the love of Christ—and I invited them to come to God’s
open table at my church. I implored homosexuals to be gracious with
ministers like me who are not at a place where we can marry gay people
yet…

Yet?

Why did I say, “Yet”?

I winced inwardly. I could not see her, but I could definitely FEEL my
wife wince. I felt colleagues, parishioners, and longstanding
supporters across Canada wince in that moment. “Why did he say, ‘yet’?”
My first thought was, “Maybe they can edit this segment out.” That was
my second thought too. I suggested it. “No,” they said, “we’ll leave it
as is. It’ll be fine.” I reviewed what I had said with them and we
agreed that we could stand by it. I was not endorsing gay marriage—I
was simply welcoming the gay community and apologizing for some of the
venom we had allowed ourselves in the culture wars. And that just
happens to be where I’m at in this stage of my faith journey.

But why did I say, “Yet”? That’s when the emails started to arrive. I’m
pleased to say that every one of them was truly kind. Concern was
expressed—sometimes deep concern—but without any of the seething heat
or fear-mongering that I’d witnessed leading up to the parliamentary
vote. The tone was genuine Christian gentleness (yes, it still exists
out there), even if it reflected in part the fact that committed
opponents of Bill C-38 had the wind knocked out of them. I hope this
represents a new humility in the land rather than pent up rage. What
most of the letters shared in common was the question: “Why did you say
you aren’t prepared to do gay weddings YET?” It’s a fair question.

I guess “yet” sounds like I’m open to or even planning to marry
homosexuals and lesbians eventually. It’s kind of a timeline word,
isn’t it? It implies that I haven’t and I’m not… but some day? Is that
what “yet” means? Many of my best friends have followed me pretty far
out onto some extremely long limbs, but there’s no way they can go
there. For some, it throws my whole discernment into question. If my
judgment is that shady, perhaps we ought to second guess a whole lot of
what I’ve taught in recent years.

Yeah… maybe. In fact, doesn’t the apostle Paul say “Test ALL things and
hang on [only] to the good stuff.” But let me share honestly why “YET”
emerged spontaneously from my mouth.

As an idealistic young fundie entering the ministry nearly twenty years
ago, I made some very strong “NEVER” statements about marriage. “I will
NEVER marry a believer to an unbeliever. I will NEVER marry people who
are living together unless they separate until the wedding. I will
NEVER counsel a couple to divorce.” Pretty sure of myself. One of those
statements was, “I will NEVER remarry a divorced person. Jesus said it
was adultery.” Shortly after that I added the exception clause, “…
expect in the case of unfaithfulness.” And then after further study, I
concluded that “anyone who is in Christ is a new creature; old things
have passed away [like pre-conversion divorces] and behold, all things
have become new.” I saw God’s offer of a redemptive second chance to
those who needed a fresh start. Before long, I was seeing the
concessions in 1 Corinthians 7 where we’re told not to marry, not to
divorce, and not to remarry… but if you do, you haven’t sinned. And so
the list grew, expanding further to give space for those who had been
in abusive marriages. And then the definition of “abuse” began growing
to include everything up to and including yelling or basic neglect.

Ultimately, in spite of Jesus’ very conservative stance on divorce and
remarriage, the church in Canada has opted for a practice, which
however gracious, is not what I see in the Gospels. We’ve said to
ourselves, Better to stand before God some day hearing, “You erred on
the side of grace,” than to hear a rebuke like those reserved for the
Pharisees of Jesus’ day. Right? I think so.

Still, in practice it’s difficult to tell when these changes were a
result of carefully following the Spirit’s guidance into grace and when
we’re simply caving to the pressures of the broader Canadian culture.
This I know for sure: Whether by God’s wisdom or the world’s pressure,
my “Never” had morphed into a “Not yet.” My hard line now made room for
concessions that realistically nod to our capacity to fail AND/OR God’s
ability to redeem.

And how was the fruit? Okay, I suppose. I cheered on some fantastic new
marriages, grieved through some excruciating divorces, thanked God for
some really redemptive re-marriages, and felt the despair of enough
major disasters… nothing that the grace of God couldn’t redeem, but not
much that the world couldn’t duplicate either. I wondered, “After
saying NEVER, if the church can justify a divergence this far from
Jesus on something He addressed directly, how can we say NEVER on
something like homosexuality which He didn’t address even once?” I lost
my taste for “Never” and my trust for what “Not Yet” might mean. At
about that time, I felt I no longer had the clarity to continue
performing weddings. I’ll leave that to others while I take my jaded
heart back to God. And that’s where I sit today.

So does “Yet” mean some day for me? No. It means that I’ve been
humbled. Always and never don’t ring true to me like they once did. I
know that God can change the churches’ tried and true practices with a
fresh interpretation for a new generation AND I know that we can simply
buckle to the demands of our culture, compromising where we ought not.
Both of those perspectives have a hearing in the gay marriage debate.
Would I bet my soul that one or the other won’t finally win the day?

Not yet.